Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
