my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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