he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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