So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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