Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
