I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
