Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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