you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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