Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize