Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
