Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
