i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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