my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
