My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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