Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
