Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
