I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize