Having a random hookup so left but love u
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize
