Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
