lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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