Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
