We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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