only you would photoshop your dick
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
