ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
