Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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