I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
