i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize