he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
