Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
it's great music for shaving your balls
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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