I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
As shirtless as possible
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
