i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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