Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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