Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
