I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
