theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
