Don't make out with my wife yet
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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