Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
