if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i think i have two assholes
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
