so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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