a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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