hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
