dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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