escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
