I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
