He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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