and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
