I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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