When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize