I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize