you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
