the condom got lost in my hair
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
