I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
