oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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