mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He is an equal opportunity slut.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
