I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
