Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
