dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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