Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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