Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
