Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Drake has all the answers
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
